Down and Out in the Hauptstadt: One Week in Berlin On 30 Euros

by Sophie Atkinson

You’re in Berlin and that guy playing woodwind on the U-Bahn for change is looking more financially stable than you. Don’t despair: no need to stay in streaming Twin Peaks until the end of time AKA payday — you’ll only get sad that Audrey Horne has better hair than you, #alwaysandforever.

Here’s one week in Berlin on the cheap.

MONTAG

Start the week on a “F**k you, it was that Madonna single from 1986” high at the Das Gift pub quiz. One euro to enter and unimaginable riches could all be yours, if you manage to assemble a quiz team of know-it-alls with a comprehensive enough grasp of geography, history, pop music, sport and literature.

ACHTUNG: It gets crowded, so get there long before the 9 p.m. start to secure a table.

DOUBLE ACHTUNG: The wine’s not super cheap here (compared to other places, anyway — hang on, we’ll get there), so stick with a bottle of beer and flutter your eyelashes at someone sexy and with a Scrooge McDuck-esque swimming pool full of euro bills at home to buy you your second.

TOTAL COST: Quiz + one beer = approximately 3 euros, but potentially practically a zillion euros in winnings, so actually better than free.

Das Gift, Donaustr 119, 12043.

DIENSTAG

Spring out of bed and pack yourself some sandwiches before heading to that most underrated part of the Hauptstadt, West Berlin at 1 p.m. sharp. Shoutout to all culture vultures! The Berlin Philharmonic does free Tuesday lunchtime recitals and they’re all sorts of beautiful. Get there early for a prime spot. Eat your sandwiches on the floor to the sweet, sweet sound of incredibly talented musicians serenading you for free.

COST: 0 euros! You’ve done it: achieved the impossible. The universe has imploded. You spent zero money while listening to world class music.

Happening until 23 June 2015 — then check their website to see when the new season of lunchtime concerts will begin.

Berlin Philharmonie, Herbert von Karajan Str 1, 10785 Berlin.

MITTWOCH

Let’s head back to expat-central AKA Neukölln for movies. Sameheads bar is run by two dapper British brothers and puts on a Wednesday movie night, where, as the name suggests, films are screened in the basement. The movie night is totally free and generally shows amazing cult films you’ll have never seen before that you’ll never forget — so play nice and buy a few drinks, OK? I’d recommend a glass of sekt (it’s like German champagne for the cash-strapped) for just over 2 euros.

TOTAL COST: Just over 4 euros/two drinks means you won’t have to worry about your karma.

Sameheads, Richardstr 10, 12043.

DONNERSTAG

Back to basics: dinner then drinks.

Sahara’s name is pretty misleading, because it’s actually an oasis of taste sensation in a sahara of kinda-meh-places. There’s two versions of Sahara on roads intersecting with Weserstrasse in Neukölln so make sure you decide which one you’re meeting your friends at, ’cause “Let’s meet at the one near Weserstrasse” is going to cause so much confusion and chaos it’ll take you until closer to Friday to unravel it.

OK, you’ve found each other? Now order the halloumi in bread with a peanut sauce and aubergine paste and sit back and enjoy the fact that you’ve spent just over 2 fricking euros on a sandwich that’s made you believe in the existence of a benevolent deity. Resist ordering a second. You’re here on the cheap, remember?

Head up to Friedrichshain and swing by the ever-bustling Primitiv on Simon-Dach Strasse. House wine costs 1.50. (1.50!!!!) Try not to think about how a glass of wine can cost 1.50 and what a 1.50 glass of wine could be made out of. Enjoy the sultry red décor and abundance of humans-with-attractive-faces. You’ve made it! You’re the king/queen of Berlin!!!! Or, OK, that could be the red wine talking. Get drunk, flirt too much, spend too much money, slink home.

COST: Approximately 2 euros + 1.50 euros +1.50 euros (+1.50 + 1.50 + 1.50 — but hopefully you’ve more self-control then I have…) = 5 euros (or more if you’re a filthy wino).

Sahara, Wildenbruchstr 85, 12045.

Primitiv, Simon Dach Str 28, 10245.

FREITAG

Friday I’m in ❤ : with old man German bowling. Kegeln is fun because not only does the name sound like those muscles talk show ladies tell you to flex when you’re peeing, but because it’s German for bowling but with tiny, tiny balls! Endless joke city.

Hopefully you’ve assembled enough pals throughout the week to make renting two lanes at the Wedding Kegelbahn cheap — it’s 20 euros for two lanes for an hour, so if there’s six of you, it’s cheap enough to fit into your week of being a dirty scrounger.

COST: 3 euros. You don’t need to drink, you’re still hungover from Thursday.

Kugelbahn Wedding, Grüntaler Str 51.

SAMSTAG

Cross your fingers that it’s sunny: For the sake of a theoretical article about being a cheapo in Berlin, let’s agree that it is. Pack some beers and your sunglasses and put on your choice of bathing attire. Take the S-Bahn to Wannsee, one of Berlin’s most beautiful lakes! What! Just 30 minutes from your doorstep! Feel smug and like you made all the right life choices.

Head ‘round the circumference of the lake until you get to the boat renting place. Swap ID and gold coins for a rowing boat. Take your bevvy of beauties on a rowing extravaganza, pretend to be pirates, amusingly approach other boats with a sense of menace and swagger; potentially have packed pirate costumes for this very endeavour which might be over-preparing but hey, “Fail to prepare, prepare to fail” etc. Try not to get your boat tipped up anywhere near where the boat people can see, ’cause they’ll get mad and give you a light ticking off in German.

Get sunburn, go home slightly tipsy.

COST: If you take three other people with you, 2.50 euros when the boat renting cost is split + 3 euros for all those beers you brought = so around 5 euros for a day full of hilarious high jinks.

Head to Wannsee S-Bahn stop — served by the S1 and S7 lines.

SONNTAG

Shops are shut on Sunday, so make sure you used your Saturday evening wisely to shop for The Mother of All Picnics. You’ve got just 10 euros left, so avoid Kaiser’s and go to Lidl. Think: Frikadelle, or those unappetizing-looking-but-great-tasting pre-cooked meatballs, potato salad, a bottle of Rottkӓppchen. Hit Tempelhofer Feld, which used to be an airport and is now a delightful park of joy full of never-ending stretches of runway. Eat, smoke, celebrate: you did it! One week for just 30 euros.

Tempelhofer Feld, 12099 Berlin.

This story is part of our Travel Month series.

Sophie Atkinson is a writer based in Berlin.

Photo: Matthias Ripp

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