Cheap v. Frugal

by Christiana Cole

There is a difference between Cheap and Frugal.

Frugal brings an inexpensive bottle of wine to the party, or maybe a bag of chips. Cheap sees a party as a chance to get drunk for free. “Drink all the alcohol now,” Cheap thinks, “and store some in your wine stomach. Then you’ll be happily toasted for a whole night.” Cheap throws up on the throw rug.

Frugal resists the urge to take a cab. Cheap evades the bus fare for no damn reason and gets a summons and a $100 fine.

Frugal would really, really love you to sing on her demo, but can only pay you $50; is that okay? Cheap offers zero pay, but adds, “it’ll be good exposure.”

Cheap says, “I’m pooooooor.” Frugal says, “I’m broke.”

Both Frugal and Cheap get stressed out when it comes time to split the bill. They both ordered the least-expensive meal (soup) and a single PBR. The rest of the party of six got cocktails and meals that starred meat. When the friend handling the bill suggests they split it evenly, Cheap goes, “oh-HO, Uh-Uh, NOPE, I only had SOUP and ONE BEER,” and smiles a smug, “caught ya” smile.

The bill-handler does the requisite algebra and adjusts everyone’s input. Cheap only leaves an extra dollar to cover tax and tip. Everyone inwardly sighs, “Ugh, AGAIN?” Frugal, among friends, says, “hey guys, I hate to be a pain, but I’m pretty sure that I –”

Frugal’s best friend Laura jumps in, “oh man, yeah, you got way less than us,” does the requisite algebra, and adjusts everyone’s input. Frugal leaves a dollar for tax and a 20% tip on what she ordered. Among business acquaintances, Frugal figures it’s worth paying $7 extra to preserve the peace. Frugal did her part to lower the overall pot by ordering less, and although she is chipping in more than her fair share, it is a social investment. It’s a way to show these new friends, potential lovers, potential collaborators, that she is generous and nothing like Cheap. People are the most important thing in Frugal’s life.

Frugal shares the delicious cookie-brownie hybrid her mom got her. Cheap is like, no.

Cheap thinks it’s clever. Frugal hopes it’s wise.

Frugal asks for help. Cheap knows the world is against her, so she is against the world.

Cheap steals toilet paper rolls from the office. (Frugal does this too.)

For her lover’s birthday, Frugal gives her lover:

1. A thoughtfully-selected book.
2. Something small and delicious.
3. Flowers, whose humble origin (a bodega? The field behind the middle school?) is disguised by some really nice ribbon.
4. Unhurried oral sex.

Cheap says, “I couldn’t figure out what to get you, so I just didn’t get you anything. I figured you’d be cool. I THOUGHT about getting you something, and ‘it’s the thought that counts,’ right?” Cheap rolls over and falls asleep.

When a trip to an expensive bar is unavoidable, Frugal orders a beer she hates — the hoppiest, dirtiest-tasting IPA available. It is so unpleasant that it’s impossible to drink quickly. As it gets warmer, it gets grosser. THIS is how you effectively nurse a drink. Cheap, exhausted from wiggling her way out of so many expenses, gives in and charges an evening of Grey Goose onto the Mom Credit Card. And takes a cab home.

Christiana Cole is a writer and performer in New York City.

Support The Billfold

The Billfold continues to exist thanks to support from our readers. Help us continue to do our work by making a monthly pledge on Patreon or a one-time-only contribution through PayPal.