8 Ways I Might Spend a Modest Windfall, In Order of Fiscal Prudence

by Joshua Michtom

The short bus. Photo by Josh

When I first wrote about the expenses that made me a lawyer in his mid-30s who didn’t have as much money as we expect lawyers in their mid-30s to have, one of the expenses I mentioned was the $800 I agreed to pay monthly to my ex-wife to subsidize the cost of her keeping the suburban house in which my children reside half the time.

People on the internet said that I was kidding myself by not calling this payment child support, and that I probably didn’t actually care for my kids 50% of the time anyway. I will save for my memoir — or, perhaps, a New York Times Modern Love column — my emotionally vulnerable exegesis on why that particular line of criticism made me want to punch the Internet in the neck. But it hardly matters, because this spring, per the terms of the divorce agreement, my non-child-support obligation will come to an end. I will have an extra $800 a month!

When Mets pitcher Tug McGraw was asked in 1964 how he would spend the money from his new contract, he said, “Ninety percent I’ll spend on good times, women, and Irish Whiskey. The other ten percent I’ll probably waste.” To what purposes will I put my newfound wealth? I have made a list, ranked in order of financial wisdom. Items toward the top of the list are uses that are consonant with fiscal prudence. Also, generally, boring. Items toward the bottom are a selection of less sensible expenses for which I have some personal weakness.

1. Putting Aside Money for Emergencies
Financial planners say that everyone should have three months’ expenses set aside. This windfall, along with the fact that my fixed expenses are relatively low, will allow me to make this boring dream into a boring reality.

2. Paying Off Debts
The most boring use of extra money, but probably the most sensible. I have a lot of debts that I fully expect to be paying off slowly for the rest of my life — they’re like the fixed, lifelong cost of an irresponsible youth. Because I have accepted that I will never be out of debt, it’s hard to feel excited about paying my debts somewhat more quickly. But people who understand math and finance say this is a good idea.

3. Saving
If there were a way that I could invest money with a higher rate of return than I lose money to the interest on my debts, it would make sense for me to prioritize saving over discharging debt. The only investment vehicle I know of that would meet this criterion is an actual vehicle, a matte-black school bus that I can borrow from some friends, and the only way the plan works is I fill this bus with cocaine and make deliveries up and down the eastern seaboard. I probably won’t do this.

4. Renter’s Insurance
I have managed to live my life up to this point without renter’s insurance, but that is the nature of insurance, isn’t it? You don’t need it until you do. I have some nice musical instruments that I can’t afford to replace.

5. Saving Up to Take a Proper Vacation
This is not fiscally prudent, but a life that elevates fiscal prudence above all else is, to paraphrase Thomas Hobbes, nasty, brutish, and long. There is something to be said for having a portfolio of joys in one’s life that goes beyond whiskey, sex, and time spent with one’s children. Plus, my girlfriend is from Argentina but has not been back for fifteen years. I lived there long ago but have not been back for 20 years. We would like to go there in the fall, and if I save my monthly $800 diligently, we can do it.

6. Buying a Short Bus
This is a stupid idea, but maybe not as stupid as it seems at first blush. I recently borrowed a short bus to get my band to New York, and realized that being able to transport twelve of your friends somewhere in one vehicle is kind of great, especially in a state where passengers are allowed to drink alcohol in moving vehicles. My children loved riding in the short bus, and when they are high schoolers they will hate it, which is good. Also, the short bus is better in the snow than the 19-year-old Ford Ranger I currently drive, its size and inefficiency aren’t a big concern because I drive infrequently and live in a place where parking is easy, and it obviates my ever having to pay for a hotel room.

7. Eating Out, Drinking More
Science tells us that we get more happiness from experiences than from possessions, and I love the experience of eating and drinking. Eating good food and drinking alcohol already make me very happy. If I could eat more good food, drink more alcohol, and pay for my friends to join me, I would probably be happier. I would also probably die younger, which would obviate discharging debts and saving for retirement. This item should probably be at the top of my list.

8. Buying Musical Instruments
This is a terrible idea. I already own so many instruments. But damn it, my sousaphone is on permanent loan to my band’s sousaphone player, and I would really like a sousaphone to play at home sometimes. Every home needs a sousaphone, I think.

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