Ask An Assertive Person: Being Social While Being Frugal

by Amanda McLoughlin

Dear Assertive Person,

How on earth do I make and keep friends without spending a ton of money? I don’t want to turn down invites because I can’t afford another dinner out but I don’t want to be weird and not eat anything either. I try suggesting free things, but especially in the winter when we can’t spend time in parks it’s like I bleed money every time I step outside. How do I be social but also responsible with my money?

— Social Spender

Hi, Social! This is absolutely a challenge, but the good news is that you aren’t alone in your quest to be frugal without being a downer in social situations.

I’m going to go ahead and guess that some of your friends are trying to stick to a budget, too, so sometimes saving money together is as easy as saying, “Hey, I want to keep it low-cost tonight. Want to come over for dinner instead of going out?” or “Ugh I had to replace my umbrella this week, and that was my weekly fun money. How about we window-shop Fifth Avenue instead of seeing a movie?” I’d wager that some of your buds will be relieved to hear your suggestion, and if they’re weirded out by the idea of having fun without spending (much) money, they might need the reality check.

I polled some of my friends and asked for suggestions on free or low-cost friend date ideas. One surefire way to save money on going out is to stay in instead! Host a potluck dinner or switch off cooking duties; do a Netflix movie night; pregame at home instead of a bar; have an unironic sleepover complete with nail-painting, DIY mud masks, and gossip (or, uh, video games and beer? Video games and nail-painting? Beer and mud masks?).

Still, though, sometimes you really just want to go out. That’s cool, boo. Become a deal maven! Newsletters like The Skint (NYC) and Bright Young Things (DC) email you free/cheap events daily. Apps and sites like YPlan, TodayTix, Groupon, and Eventbrite offer discounts and freebie tickets for last-minute events or for referring friends. Yelp is a good way to find happy hour specials. Tourism websites, forums, and your local subreddit often keep lists of free/cheap activities for your particular area.

You know what? If your favorite thing is getting sushi or trying new bars or seeing shows with your friends, go do those things. I love that you used the phrase “bleeding money” because budgeting can be like first aid: stop the bleeding, catch your breath (read: save a little), and then once the panic subsides start to figure out what to do next. Maybe bringing your lunch to work three days a week pays for one weekend dinner. Keeping an eye out for sales in the grocery store might finance your Friday night drinks. Setting a limit on your clothing spending might help you save for that weekend getaway. You know what I mean? Once you get control over your finances you can figure out what’s important to you and spend accordingly.

Yours,

A.P.

Dear Assertive Person,

I’m very shy and English is not my first language but I’m alright at it. I’m having a hard time meeting people here in New York City. I just moved here and although I’m familiar with the customs, I’m not as quick to put them into practice among other people. What advice do you have in making friends in a big unfamiliar city?

— Anonymous

Hi, Anon! Welcome to my home city.

Your situation is twofold: you want to meet new people in a new city, and you also want to make friends with people who are different to you (from you? Dammit, Britons, six months living on your fair isle and my articles are permanently confused!). Let’s try to address both in one go.

Shyness is made worse when there is no clear plan. Who wants to be thrown into a room full of strangers with nothing to do, no obvious topic to discuss, and no existing connection between all of you? Not me. Happily, Anon, we have the Internet to help us.

Meetup websites and forums are such a great way to meet people who share your interests. Better yet, they organize activities that minimize the potential for shyness: there’s a plan, you share something with the people around you, and there is nothing stopping you from leaving early if you don’t dig the scene. Comedy clubs and sports bars achieve the same thing: there’s a common interest, an activity you’re all there for, and an easy exit. Online groups exist for everything from daschund owners to Quidditch players to people obsessed with Vietnamese food.

Even if you don’t have one thing you’re super into, the Internet can still help you find your kind of people. For example, I’m in a Facebook group composed of people who read a website I really love. The comments of this site’s posts were always so lovely and welcoming, we started to recognize familiar names, and it seemed really natural to start hanging out online together in our own space. The video blogging community on YouTube is another great place to meet people. You might find that it’s easier to put yourself out there online than in person, whether that means sharing your Avengers fanart on tumblr or adding “omg me too!” to someone’s comment on a blog post.

And, listen, I wouldn’t worry too much about acclimating to the customs and language here in the city. As of 2013 more than half of New Yorkers are immigrants or the children of immigrants. We use Spanish slang, eat Ethiopian food, visit Korean bath houses, and close our schools for Eid and Rosh Hashanah alike. I think New Yorkers are pretty egalitarian. We ride the same subways, step in the same rat poop, rent the same tiny overpriced apartments — and, crucially, we all choose to stay. If you do, too, that’s good enough for us.

Yours,

A.P.

Amanda McLoughlin is a writer from New York with a day job in finance. Find her on Twitter, Tumblr, Instagram, and YouTube.

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