The Week It Rained and the Future of Umbrellas

Ester: Omg invisible umbrellas! Did you see this?

Mike: Apparently it’s dumb? I think it lasts for 10 minutes after it’s charged.

Ester: I kind of love it though! Magic sticks.

Mike: Hah, well you can love it for 10 minutes.

Ester: There’s also this origami one.

Mike: My favorite umbrella is no umbrella.

Ester: That’s great, Mike. Hey apparently Joan Rivers was super rich.

Mike: Well, she did never retire. She was always working and always on TV. Did you watch the documentary? Her house was so nice.

Ester: Her house was insanely opulent and garish. It was like Versailles blew up in there.

Mike: Hah, that’s what I meant, “nice” meaning she had money to do whatever she wanted.

Ester: I heard a story once about Will Smith’s house — that someone wanted orange juice and he pressed a button and a wall went away so that they could pick oranges directly from the grove? And that he has a whole room floored in leather.

Mike: Why? That’s the one thing I appreciate about Mark Zuckerberg — that his house is just a normal house. It’s a very nice house! But hey, you made that money, do what you want with it.

Ester: But it’s just a house?

Mike: Yeah. Hmm. Apparently the invisible umbrella lasts 30 minutes, but still seems like a little bit of an energy suck?

Ester: 30 min isn’t bad. Most walks in the rain aren’t that long. Also it looks cool! The part that isn’t invisible anyway.

Mike: How much does it cost?

Ester: Doesn’t say. But it soaks the people around you! Priceless. That’s very American. The origami umbrella costs $89.

Mike: Like I said, my favorite umbrella is no umbrella. Meaning I like a good waterproof jacket with a hood. And rain boots.

Ester: That’s nonsense, Mike, and you know it.

Mike: Why?

Ester: The rain is RAIN, it is out to get you, it is cold and wet and makes you sniffle and you need all the protection you can get. Also maybe I have too much hair but hoods never stay up for me.

Mike: Umbrellas are annoying in New York though — it’s impossible to walk on the street when everyone has one? And then the subway gets jammed with people trying to close them while walking down.

Ester: The rain is more annoying. It is not drizzly, Pacific Northwest rain which is a low-key near-constant thing. Even the rain in the Pacific NW seems high. The rain in New York is determined and angry and forceful.

Mike: Hah, well it was raining this week, and my jacket did its job.

Ester: Well it was raining this week and when I’m pushing Babygirl in her chariot I can’t use an umbrella and my Lithuanian rain coat did not do its job. My glasses got all beady with moisture and I cursed a lot. Which Babygirl enjoys.

Mike: I have one from Penfield. And these rain boots.

Ester: Those look cute. Are you reliving your glory days as a carefree-toddler?

Mike: Yes! The toddler look is back in for me.

Ester: My rain coat is bright pink like a toddler’s. So you really wouldn’t use a space age umbrella, no matter the price?

Mike: I’ve used them in torrential downpours and they sort of are worthless at that point? They get flipped over. Or the rain comes at you sideways like a wall and there really is no point. Which is why I think the jacket is so important. And the boots — nobody likes walking around in wet socks.

Ester: It helps you feel in control though. Like you are doing something active to fight back against the weather.

Mike: But then it flips inside out?

Ester: Mine doesn’t, if I clutch it tightly. You can’t buy super cheap, terrible umbrellas and expect them to protect you.

Mike: I’ve spent money on good ones, and they’ve still broken. Which is also why I think I’ve given up on them.

Ester: Maybe they can tell you don’t like them and commit suicide. How much did your raincoat cost?

Mike: A little over $100?

Ester: Oh wow.

Mike: You can’t buy a cheap coat and expect it to protect you.

Ester: Heh. I GUESS NOT. Even if it is hot pink.

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