Speaking of FitBits, Here’s One for Your Hoo-Hoo!

All of you data-lovers who are more moderate-minded than David Sedaris or I am and are hugging your FitBits close to your chests have an altogether new kind of tracker to consider: Minna Life’s k-Goal for your kegels, now available to fund on Kickstarter. (Nice alliteration there, right? Going with Indiegogo or something would have totally ruined the effect.)

“Pretty much everything else that’s out there right now is passive,” explains Jon Thomas, VP of manufacturing for Minna, the sexual health products company that designed kGoal. “You don’t have any feedback or any transparency into whether you’re doing the exercise correctly or how you’re actually progressing.”

The cheerful little device, which vibrates enthusiasm at you from inside, has raised over $38,000 of this writing and aims to reach $90,000 total. Other gadgets I expect to see soon:

* Something that starts barking at you like a seal when you’ve eaten your quota of french fries for the month but dings encouragingly when you’ve reached five full daily servings of fresh fruits and veggies

* Something that purrs when you compliment a friend, in person or online, and sprays a light burst of peppermint inside your mouth when you’re about to say something mean that you’ll regret

* Something that tallies your charitable contributions, to friends and strangers, allowing you to set goals for yourself per month and then, when you meet them, tells you you’re an excellent person who will surely get into heaven, regardless of whether it exists

* Something that counts how many articles you open in tabs and make it to the end of; and that begins playing loud, distracting music when you finish to remind you to keep from looking at the comments

* Something that tracks how many trackers you’re using and whether you’re using them optimally or whether you should throw them all in the Ohio River and go live on a commune instead where residents use unshelled peanuts as legal tender

* A light, fold-up scale you can carry around, because why should self-hate remain a morning-only activity? (Please note, the Billfold does not condone self-hate at any time of day.)

* Something that tracks how many times you quote / reference half-forgotten 90’s movies

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