DIY Christmas Decorations

by William Foster

Materials: Horse hair, Krylon silver glitter spray paint.
Cost: Only $5.35 if there’s a horse handy.

Mistletoe Substitute
Materials: Bundle of fresh apocrine sweat glands, green spray paint, ribbon.
Cost: Depends

Christmas Tree Star
Materials: Nair al-Zaurak.
Cost: $668,000,000,000,000

Wrapping Paper
Materials: Chain saw, spruce tree, wood chipper, dump truck, continuous kraft pulp mill, Fourdrinier machine, reactive dye, dye vat, stencils, white spray paint.
Cost: $184,000

Three Wise Men
Materials: François Englert, Peter Higgs, Tomas Tranströmer, rope, duct tape, white rental van, robes, myrrh, frankincense, gold (or pyrite for tight budgets).
Cost: $500 — $10,000

Realistic Nativity Scene
Materials: 5-Piece Holy Family and Three Kings Christmas Nativity Set, bucketful of afterbirth.
Cost: $94.99

William Foster lives in Portland, Oregon.