The Inheritance and the Thieving, Deadbeat Husband

I have a family inheritance dilemma. My paternal grandmother’s first cousin, “Steve”, was an only child, never married, and has no family besides my dad, his siblings, and my siblings. He lives in the same city as me, is in his mid-80s, and we see each other several times a year.

Recently, Steve asked me to be the first successor trustee to his estate and executor of his will. This means that I am in charge of making sure that his assets are liquidated and distributed according to his will when he dies. I recently got a copy of the will, which splits his assets exactly in half: one half going to my dad’s oldest brother, and the other half to his sister, with no conditions or restrictions. It is a significant amount of money and more than either of them has ever dreamed of having (currently a little over $1 million total). I feel compelled to say before I get into the problems that there is nothing in it for me financially, I am genuinely happy to do him this favor, and I don’t need the money. My aunt and uncle are both over 60 and will never be able to retire without this inheritance.

Here’s the problem that leads to my dilemma: The aunt who will receive half of the estate is married to a complete deadbeat. He was fired by his own brother for stealing money from his brother’s company. He stole over $80,000 from my aunt by taking her credit cards and buying baseball cards (BASEBALL CARDS!!), which forced them into foreclosure, bankruptcy, and a cross-country move to a much cheaper city. His children have stolen jewelry from my aunt on several occasions to pawn it, including heirloom jewelry that belonged to my great- and great-great grandparents. She has told the family she is going to leave him for the past 10 years, but there is no indication that it will ever actually happen. She also never did anything about the stolen jewelry.

My aunt is also not financially responsible and has been supported for several years by my father and his other brother in the past. She does not know about the inheritance and no one is planning to tell her, as the family is afraid that she and her husband will spend the inheritance before she gets it. However, she is Steve’s relative, and I believe that she is entitled to the money he bequeaths her.

I don’t know what, if anything, Steve knows about all the husband and his kids’ stealing. I know that it is really none of my business what Steve does with his money. At the same time, I feel a moral obligation as his estate’s trustee to keep it somewhat “safe” within the family, or to at least tell Steve that there’s a shark in the water so to speak, so that he can think about whether or not he wants to do anything about it, like adding restrictions so that in-laws cannot access the money. I’m conflicted about this — partially I think it’s my own bitterness at this guy for being such a deadbeat, and partially that I have a genuine affection for Steve and I really want what he worked so hard for to be somewhat secure within our actual family and not frittered away by my aunt’s thieving husband. What would you do? — R.

I thought about who’d I like to give my money to if I were to die, and the list includes people who are really great with money and people who are just absolutely terrible with money. I have one family member in particular who is pretty bad with money, but I’d still want to leave him money, which he’d hopefully use to turn things around. I’d create a trust for him with specific instructions on how the money should be disbursed over a certain period of time so he wouldn’t be able to spend it all in one go.

I think you’re coming at this with the right point of view: Yes, it’s none of your business what Steve does with his money, and he can do whatever he wants with it. And financially irresponsible heirs aren’t uncommon. But you can certainly talk to him about the concerns you have, and then let him decide whether or not he wants to set up specific trusts or put precise instructions in place so that the inheritance money isn’t instantly squandered. Perhaps Steve is already well aware of everything that’s going on, and if he isn’t, you’re helping him become better informed about the financial situation at hand.

So I’d talk to Steve about it and then let him decide what he’d like to do. There also seems to be a greater issue at hand, which is that your aunt is married to a man who stole a lot of money from her, and appears to be putting her in financially dire circumstances. Unless something changes, she’ll continue to be in that position, inheritance or not.

You have a concern that Steve’s money will be frittered away if she receives the inheritance and is still married to her deadbeat husband. But this is already happening with the money your father and his brother are giving her. Your family has already stepped in by offering her support, and that just may be prolonging her situation — there’s no reason for her to leave her deadbeat husband if she can stay with him and receive financial assistance from family members. Your aunt may need some tough love from the family members currently giving her money.

They need to stop giving her money. If her thieving, deadbeat husband can’t help provide for her and continues to act recklessly with the money they have, she has to leave him. She shouldn’t get any more money from anyone to be frittered away until she does. Once the money stops flowing, she’ll have to figure out how to turn things around, and she may decide that the only way to turn things around is to leave her thieving, deadbeat husband.

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