When Society Makes You Feel Like a Criminal

I have my own catalog of similarly exhausting experiences: the janitor in my building on campus shouting, “How’d you get in here?” as I walked to my office one night, until I shook my key at him; the older white woman at the antique shop glaring at my pockets (one of which had a book in it), and my own halfhearted desire to allay her anxiety: No, no, dear lady, I just need a chair. I just want a fucking chair.

As a result of this, I’ve developed the habit of buying something in stores whether I want to or not, to put such possibly suspicious white people at ease. I’m behaving in response to what I imagine other people are thinking. After all, the janitor and the antique-shop clerk didn’t say anything to me about the color of my skin. Just as the cop didn’t say, “Since you appear to be of some African extraction, I would like to ask you if you have any drugs or weapons in the car.” He just asked if I had any drugs or weapons in the car.

Ross Gay, who teaches creative writing at Indiana University in Bloomington, has a really good essay about racism and identity in the current issue of The Sun Magazine. It’s especially worth reading in light of the Trayvon Martin case.

Gay grew up in a largely white, working class neighborhood in Philadelphia where he often heard the N-word thrown his way. He became so used to being perceived as a criminal, that it has even affected his shopping habits. Here he is recalling one a childhood experience:

I remember being thirteen and walking into a clothing store at the mall with a white pal. As we perused the racks, it didn’t take long for me to realize the security guard was following me and was oblivious to my friend. So I gradually made my way to the back of the store while I glimpsed my pal up front stuffing a few hundred dollars’ worth of merchandise into his backpack. If I was going to be profiled, I thought, at least my blond-haired buddy could get some new clothes out of the deal.

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