My Last Hundred Bucks: One Donut Only (Okay, Two)

by Lauren Rodrigue

Where’d your last hundred bucks go, Lauren Rodrigue?

$4: Egg and cheese on an English muffin and large coffee. That’s right sinners, I’m back on cheese (turns out my abdomen hurt just as bad without the dairy). Would spend anywhere up to $2 more for this breakfast just because the cheese-generous grillmaster at my favorite deli makes me feel. Like. I’m the only girl in the world.

$30: Two sweaters and a skirt at Forever21. Or as I like to call it, “A Trip to the pharmacy to pick up my antidepressants.”

$17: Vegan brunch — not a funny oxymoron, but actual vegan brunch! Specifically, a bowl of faux-eggs, faux-cheese, real chili, real avocado and faux-Texas toast (real toast, faux-butter). All the realness and fakeness combined ended up cancelling all the food out so I maintain that this brunch should have been free.

$2.50: Post-Vegan Brunch Vegan Donut. I got two for this price, actually, since the first one rolled off the counter and onto the floor when it was handed to me, and the donut clerk was like, “Oh ew let me give you another!” and I was like, “Hahah, I’m going to eat this!” And then I did, plus another one.

$15: Post-Vegan-brunch-and-Vegan-Donut(s) Bloody Mary and Shrimp Cocktail Snack. It took three whole entire tries for me to sate myself this past Sunday, but I eventually got there at around 2 p.m. thanks to good ol’ Shrimpsnacks and sippable alcoholic soup.

$15: Cab ride to a medical imaging center in Midtown Manhattan to receive an impromptu transvaginal ultrasound. Wanted to know if my insides are as pretty as my outsides. (If it’s not cheese, it must be cancer, right?) (No co-pay, which means $500 bill later, I’m sure.)

$2 (+$10 +$5): Two one-dollar tacos from a place on St. Marks. Taco deal discovered whilst taking advantage of BOGO happy hour ($10 in all) and pomme frites ($5). In Christianity, Saint Mark is the “Patron Saint of All The Food Types that You Enjoy Plus Ranch Dressing on Demand Plus Not Expensive Plus Free Cocktails as a Reward for Buying Cocktails.” We devout types have a tradition to honor this Saint’s life and work four times monthly during what we humbly call “The Feast of Taco Tuesday.”

Lauren Rodrigue eats and drinks and goes to the doctor.

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