The Correct Soda for My Lifestyle

by William Foster

It’s important to feel good about all of your purchases. Even the tiny ones.

I bought up a whole mess o’ Frosties last week. I’m talking about the “retro” Frostie, manufactured by Orca Beverages, Inc., in Mukilteo, WA, that uses real, genuine cane sugar instead of HFCS.

I purchased my Frosties individually at the New Seasons market in Beaverton, OR, which is the only place I’ve ever seen them for sale. You can buy cases on Amazon from Orca, but they’re cheaper in the store at $1.50/bottle versus $27/12-pack on Amazon. That’s a savings of 75 cents per Frostie. (The one customer review on the Amazon page looks suspiciously insider. If the five-star rating were not totally warranted, I’d file a complaint.) I bought every last bottle in the store. As my nine (9) Frosties were being scanned at the checkout, the cashier asked me about my kids, because why would I be buying nine Frosties if not for a child’s birthday party? To nip that conversation in the bud, I told her that Frosties were my cat’s favorite drink, and since his death, I adorn his grave with full bottles each year on his birthday. I’m keeping the unchilled ones in my Frostie cellar.

People have a lot of questions about this mysterious and amazing drink, and I will field some of them now.

Q: Last week was the “Portland Rock ’n’ Roll 1/2 Marathon.” How did you cope with having your street on the race route and there being a band from the School of Rock (eight-year-olds, dude) playing 100ft from your apartment window at 8am on Sunday?

A: With a Frostie float*, dummy!

Assertion: You should not drink Frostie floats* for breakfast. They’re unhealthy and unfit for a meal.

Evaluation: Ludicrous. Demonstrably false. I cannot chide you enough.

Q: Is it best to share Frosties with friends, or to hoard Frosties and drink them in isolation?

A: Ten times out of ten, the latter. It sickens me to watch a hard-earned Frostie flowing down the gullet of a less-deserving man.

Bottom line: It’s a hell of a soda and you’re going to enjoy drinking it, but don’t stare too long at the label or you will go insane.

*Frostie + Ciao Bella tahitian vanilla gelato: DO IT!

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