Groupons and Groupon Settlement Both Stupid

Perhaps you got this email last week, and, like me, wondered: Is this spam? And then also wondered: Is there any chance that I will get one million dollars from this thing? And then also wondered: How can I figure that out without actually reading it? Google is the answer to that, and what I found is: It is not spam and actually a real thing, but it’s not making anyone a millionaire except maybe some lawyers.

Anyone who bought a U.S. Groupon deal or was given one between Nov. 1, 2008 and Dec. 1, 2011 is eligible to make a claim. But the payout will likely be measured in pennies.

A sizable portion of the proposed $8.5-million disbursement — which is set to go before a judge for approval in late June — will go toward lawyers fees. Each of the original plaintiffs will get $500.

That leaves about $6.3 million to be split among tens of millions of potential claimants.

Those customers will also get a “settlement voucher” that can be redeemed with businesses for the purchase price of the unused deal. For example, a claimant who paid $20 to get $40 worth of a product or service will get a ticket for $20.

So basically, that $6.3 million is just going to vanish into nothingness, converted into more vouchers that people are not going to use. Also, somebody — and maybe more than one somebody — has spent years of their life working on this stupid case, and can we all just pat ourselves on the back for it not being us? That’s something to be thankful for.

The second major, major question in this is: Did I really actually ever purchase a Groupon? Given my penchant for instant gratification, it seems unlikely, but a quick inbox search shows otherwise!

I already had one naturopath at that time. I must have decided that I really needed a second opinion. But not enough to actually use this thing I paid $60 for.

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