I Don’t Talk About Money In My Relationship

I might start soon.

A couple weeks ago in a loud bar, I told my boyfriend I was thinking about purchasing an iMac. He didn’t understand why I’d want another computer since the wireless Internet in my house is temperamental at best and probably couldn’t handle another device. (I have two roommates and between multiple smart TVs, phones, and tablets, on a good day only half of our gadgets are stuck on buffering.) He then replied, “It’s your money.” I chuckled and said, “We never talk about money.” He seemed puzzled by this response and said, “Yeah. We don’t share any bills.” And he’s right. We don’t share any bills outside of meals or concert tickets. So why would we need to discuss it?

We didn’t talk about money a lot in my family. We didn’t have a lot of it, but we weren’t poor either — we were on the lower end of middle class. Some of the financial strain for my parents was partly due to childcare and private school expenses. Despite their differing approaches to money, my parents decided early on that private schooling for my younger sister and I was important to them. To date, they still mutually agree it was the best financial decision they made together. Even after they divorced, they were both committed to the financial responsibility of our school tuition. My dad, who is also now my landlord, frequently asks about my current financial state but is often frustrated with my nonchalant half-answers to his valid inquiries.

In hindsight, mentioning to my significant other of 2.5 years about our lack of conversation on money in a loud bar was probably a miscalculation on my part. I blurted it out most likely because it’s true. We’ve never had a real conversation about money. He wasn’t the one who carefully dodged every “How much do you make?” question. It was always me. This is confirmed undeniably by my disingenuous attempt to bring it up in a loud bar. While I don’t think any serious money talks between us should happen immediately, I’ve been wondering lately if I’ll ever be ready.

My boyfriend and I live separately so there’s no real need to collaborate on anything money related. I should mention he has never pressured me into disclosing any financial information to him. However, when he does ask me how money I make, instead of answering I laugh it off. In contrast, he’s fine with verbally expressing if he’s waiting for the next pay check to make a specific purchase. He casually mentioned his salary during a conversation about a year ago which I mentally filed away. The relaxed way in which he talks about money is foreign to me. Because my parents didn’t talk about money enough, I’ve grown up with a sense of fierce privacy when it comes to money. If I can’t afford something or I’m going through a financial rough patch, I never talk about it to anyone. I make do with what I have in my bank account and smile through it.

I turn 30 later this year and I’m increasingly thinking about how my money could change in the next few years. My boyfriend and I could decide to move in together or perhaps get married. I plan on having children at some point which would absolutely change my money. I’d have to be transparent in a way I couldn’t possibly handle right now. It’s already hard to talk about money and even harder when you actually need to talk about it. When the time comes for us to talk about money, I’ll be ready. At least I hope to answer the simple question he asked a couple weeks ago in the loud bar, “So how much do you make?”. The next time he asks, I’ll answer. Maybe.

Val Griffin works and lives in Philadelphia. You can connect with her on Twitter (@nameisval) where she constantly talks about podcasts, TV, and Beyoncé.


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