The Unexpected Costs Of Buying The House You Can Afford (In Bumblef*^k, Maryland)

Hedge trimmers, riding mowers, chicken coops, and more

You may recall my little brother Judah from his adventures in car buying. Given that he recently graduated from purchasing pre-owned Audis to purchasing even bigger, more significant items like a house — despite the news that homeownership is at a 48-year low — I thought it would be a good time to check in with him via another chat.

This conversation has been lightly edited and condensed.

ESTER: Well hello, new homeowner! Congratulations on all your recent Adulting-type achievements. I hear you’re now the proud owner of, not merely a home, but several home-related accessories?

JUDAH: One could say that. Since we last spoke, I moved in with my girlfriend, got a new job, got engaged, and purchased my first house in the boondocks. The proposal occurred less than a week before moving into the new place.

ESTER: By coincidence?

JUDAH: Not at all. I had been planning to pop the question for a bit but I decided I didn’t want to move into the new house with a girlfriend but with a fiancée. I had originally planned to do it on closing day at our new place but I realized it would be a bit much for the day.

ESTER: I suppose some readers might want to know both about the ring and the proposal, so if you would like to dish about one or both, please feel free. Otherwise we can move on to matters related to the HOUSE.

JUDAH: Who doesn’t enjoy a good dishing? For the ring, I went to a store with my mother in which she knew the owners and we spent a couple hours looking at rings. I was stuck between getting a yellow- or white-gold ring so I decided to call my fiancée’s sisters to ask their advice. Naturally, one said gold and the other said white. Lots of help they were.

In the end, I went with neither and selected a beautiful platinum ring with little diamonds on the side. For the main stone, my mother kindly donated a beautiful amethyst rock she had purchased in Nepal when she travelled there years ago.

For the proposal itself, I went old school, or what I thought was old school. I stayed home from work, put on my best suit (granted, my only suit, but still a nice one). I bought a lot of flowers which spread around the place so they would be the first thing she saw. In between the vases of flowers I had the ring in a box and me off to the side a bit. She had no idea it was going to happen and couldn’t speak as I knelt down and asked her. I finally had to prod her to confirm she was saying yes through the tears.

ESTER: Did you have an idea at the outset of how much you wanted to — or felt you ‘should’ — spend on the ring and the proposal, and did you stay in that budget?

JUDAH: I had a soft cap and a hard cap for the total cost and I was able to stay within that, but barely. The proposal portion wasn’t much, just some flowers, vases, and a bottle of champagne which would either use to celebrate or console me. Thankfully it was the former.

ESTER: Did you actually think about the latter, that you might have to use the booze to drown your sorrows?

JUDAH: Not really. We had discussed getting married before so we both knew we wanted to go down that path. But one never knows what may happen so I will admit it was a tiny thought in the back of my mind.

ESTER: I think that’s very adult and responsible, to consider all possible outcomes. Are you comfortable sharing either the soft cap or the hard cap, and how you arrived at that number?

JUDAH: I have sworn not to let my fiancée know the actual cost of the ring but I can say my hard cap was about $2000. I came to that conclusion doing a little research and based on my currently available funds. The big thing I had going for me is that I knew she didn’t want a typical ring so by my mother offering the amethyst, it made it possible to stay under the cap.

ESTER: At what point did you decide you wanted to buy a house? And did that require more extreme saving?

JUDAH: When I moved back to the East Coast, I moved in with my then-girlfriend in her place, which meant I had an hour plus commute each way to work. As a result, I knew sooner rather than later I would start searching for a place. We had talked about getting a new house in a more rural area as we both wanted to have a real backyard and move away from the townhouse-type setup we were in. I just never expected it to end up being SO RURAL. Our neighbors across the street have cows on their property.

For the down payment, thanks to FHA and this being my first house, I didn’t need too much. I was able to get it together thanks to what I had saved while living in Vegas and what I made from the stock market on a few good guesses.

ESTER: Talk to us about FHA! What did that mean for you, specifically?

Loans

JUDAH: Honestly, going into it, I knew very little about FHA and applying for a mortgage. Thankfully, my fiancée had gone through the process when she purchased her house and was able to guide me through everything! Without her I would have been completely lost.

Essentially, FHA meant that I would be able to qualify for a mortgage without needing the typical 10–20% deposit. Instead, it was around a 3.5% deposit. However, the flip side is that I need to pay into escrow a form of insurance in case I fail to pay my mortgage and the bank has to foreclose. That can be removed but I believe it requires increasing the equity of the house by at least 10%.

ESTER: Are there other requirements you ran into for an FHA loan, other hoops you had to jump through?

JUDAH: The biggest hurdle was the prostate exam I was given by the mortgage company to get approved for the loan to purchase the house. That was quite the ordeal. Don’t get me wrong, everyone was exceptionally professional and as helpful as possible; but the level of forensic detail that went into my holdings was quite substantial.

ESTER: Um. You don’t mean an actual prostate exam, right? Just to be clear. We’re engaging in hyperbole for comic effect?

JUDAH: Yeah, sure, hyperbole …

No, I am kidding. While at points it certainly felt that way, I am being metaphorical. No medical exam was needed.

ESTER: You mentioned that the house feels surprisingly RURAL, even though you had headed out to the exurbs where you could get a lot of space for not that much money [like this lady, who praises her “low-overhead life” in Ohio].

Opting Out of Coastal Madness to Live a Low-Overhead Life

Can you talk to us about what that has ended up meaning for you, in terms of unexpected expenditures?

JUDAH: First, I should say I grew up in a regular townhouse [in Washington DC] and have lived in apartments since, so I had NO idea how different living in a house in the sticks is. The house has its own well and septic system. I don’t have a water bill. However, maintenance costs go into that sort of system such as special water filters and crystals which are needed to soften the water as it is very hard water coming out of the ground.

ESTER: This is all Greek to me. Really boring Greek, too.

JUDAH: Is there unboring Greek?

ESTER: I don’t know, maybe some part of the Dialogues where Sophocles and Plato aren’t talking about septic systems. Seriously, you have to think about this — and pay for it?

JUDAH: When I was in the process of closing on the house, it had to be inspected and I tailed the inspector as he went through everything in the house that I needed to be aware of. It took about four hours and my head hurt in the end.

For instance, if the power goes out, we have no running water, as the well pump is electric. When that happens, we have to use a generator, which comes with the house, but I am not sure how it operates. That would probably be a good thing to figure out sooner rather than later.

And then there is the YARD.

ESTER: YES. I heard you had to get a riding mower? And a bushwhacker / hedge-trimmer kind of thing? And now baby chickens?

JUDAH: Ah yes, the chicks. I will get to that in a minute.

First, I was lucky and the old owners left their riding mower with the house so I didn’t need to purchase one. Being a city boy, I had NO idea how it worked or what it entailed. During the process of learning, I had to remove the snow plow attachment from it and identify the inner workings as the mower stopped working the first time I brought it out to use. I hit the accelerator and nothing happened. As it was in the backyard, I was forced to push the thing back around the house and into the garage before I was able to take a look at it — with all my years of experience in lawn mower maintenance and repair.

Turns out the drive belt has come off and, to put it succinctly, we will need to remove the blade portion and operate on it to either re-adjust the belt or replace it. [Editor’s note: more Greek!]

For the bushwhacker, the property came with a lot of hedges which were growing so out of control that I was beginning to think I was in Jumanji.

Desperate times called for desperate measures: we went and purchased a 2-foot long corded hedge trimmer. It is loud and powerful but turns out to be A LOT of fun to use.

ESTER: And the chicks … ?

JUDAH: Oh yes … Those were my fiancée’s idea. She has always wanted property to have animals such as hens on it. That way, we could have our own eggs.

We had talked about it and then one day I come home and hear some very odd noises coming from my bathroom. My lovely soon-to-be wife had pulled the trigger (metaphorically) and purchased a half dozen female chicks which are in a large crate currently placed in the bath tub of the guest bathroom. They are incredibly cute but they rarely stop chirping. Apparently my next task is I need to build a chicken coop for them as in about a month they will outgrow the tub and need a proper place outside.

ESTER: Wow. Am I wrong in saying this is more than your fair share, or at least more than your expected share, of the great outdoors? How much is all this reckoning with nature setting you back?

JUDAH: My fiancée had talked about the animal idea for a long time so I had some idea of what I was getting myself into. But imagining it and living it are two very different things.

When we first moved in, I will admit to being overwhelmed. What does it mean to have an oil system for heating? But now, and my fiancée will not let me hear the end of it, I am enjoying all the outdoorsy stuff. Even mowing the yard is fun. Just pop some tunes on and zone out as you drive up and back.

For the monetary setbacks, the hedge trimmer was about $50–60, and the birds, believe it or not, were only about $3/chick!

Other costs: $150 — $200 a month for lawn care on our street. $25 — $30 for trash pick-up. That does not include snow removal or paving the driveway for parking. Compare that to ~$200 — $400 a month condo fee from the old place, which covered all these services, including pool and tennis court access. Pepco charged $120 — $200 a month for electric in the 1010sf condo, dependent on our usage. Compare that to going rate of oil.

ESTER: You don’t secretly wish you’d just bought a condo in Baltimore?

JUDAH: The first week I will admit the thought crossed my mind. However, the ruralness has grown on me. I don’t remember the last time I was able to see so many stars in the sky at night.

ESTER: Stars. Are stars really a selling point?

JUDAH: They are when you are able to step out onto your front yard, look up, and see a clear night sky with no light pollution.

ESTER: Like Plato could. Only with chickens chirping behind you.

JUDAH: Thank goodness I was able to convince her away from the rooster.

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