How Old Is Too Old To Ask Your Parents To Pay For Your Wedding?

What about a birthday party?

There’s an awful lot going on in this letter to Dear Amy, but the heart of the issue seems to be, At what age does it become sort of ridiculous to expect your parents to foot the bill for your extravaganza?

My brother, who is over 45, has become engaged to his boyfriend of four years. They are planning an extravagant wedding and reception, estimated to cost about $85,000.

Neither man can afford this kind of expense. So they have asked for financial assistance (a gift, not a loan) from parents.

The problems are as follows: They can’t afford this on their own and want money with no expectation to repay.

My mother does not support gay marriage. She does not feel she should be pressured into providing money for something she does not believe in.

My brother is pressuring her, giving ultimatums and browbeating her for this money. In the past, she has lent him large sums of money, which he struggles to repay.

To some degree, “[My mother] does not feel she should be pressured into providing money” is really all the letter writer needs to say. Everything else is window dressing. Even if the person getting all Pinterest-y over the idea of an $85,000 wedding is a 23-year-old woman, they aren’t entitled to have a third party pay. Nobody is entitled to that, except I suppose perhaps a member of the royal family. (Who knows what’s in their contracts.)

We are not allowed to bully our parents into gifting us things, period. Not when we’re toddlers in the grocery store; not when we’re Hannah Horvaths, believing that we can prove that we will become the voice of our generation, so long as we get to live, fully supported, in the big city for a little longer; and not even when we’re middle-aged men who have finally found, and been given permission by the state to wed, the loves of our lives.

There is, yes, an old tradition that the parents of the bride throw the wedding for the happy couple, while the parents of the groom contribute in some genial way—by covering the costs of the rehearsal dinner, say, or the bar. The Knot has a fascinating breakdown of who historically has paid for what: did you know, for example, that the groom’s family is supposed to be on the hook for the entire honeymoon? And that the bride’s family is supposed to buy the groom his wedding ring?

Also there are so many parties leading up to The Party that just looking at the list makes me want to put my feet up.

Oh, they may, may they? Jeez.

The Knot believes, though, that “These ‘rules’ are made to be broken!” And Brides.com agrees. So even these authorities, which are on the stuffy side, don’t believe that a parent is obligated to host a primo party for their kid, let alone their fully-grown adult child to whom they’ve already given plenty of material support.

Amy takes an even harder line: “Let me put a different spin on this and say, quite simply and clearly, that grown men (and women) don’t hit up their mommies for money to pay for their fancy weddings. Grown people pay for their own celebrations.”

I’m curious, though, how she would define “grown.” Post-college? 25? Or does she mean more like 40?

Speaking of 40! At least we have a sense how Amy would answer this question, posed to Social Q’s columnist Philip Galanes.

My wonderful daughter is planning a 40th birthday party for herself. Normally, I would host or pay for it. But I’ve just recovered from a debilitating illness while taking care of my mother until her death. I don’t have the money or energy for a party at my house; my daughter doesn’t have room. So she wants to ask 25 guests to join her for dinner at a fine restaurant but have them pay their own way. Thoughts?

Why on earth would this poor mother even assume it was her responsibility to pay for, host, or otherwise do anything but attend her 40-year-old daughter’s birthday party? Sheesh. With all these middle-aged people acting like children, it’s beginning to seem like 40 is the new 4.

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