What Do We Pay For Vs What Do We Ask For

WaPo advice columnist Carolyn Hax got a thought-provoking question in her chat today from someone who is accustomed to paying for the services she requires. Her fiance, by contrast, has a tight-knit family that loves to help each other out — to the degree that family members get offended if you use paid movers. Here is the conundrum in full:

Dear Carolyn:

My fiancé grew up in a close knit community with a lot of extended family. They frequently helped each other out quite a bit with projects, moving, or car repair. I grew up with family scattered throughout the country, so my family handled this ourselves or we hired people if necessary. It is common in my fiancés life for people to have painting or moving parties. I am not a fan of this custom, but I attend about half of them out of a sense of community. We are moving into a town house in two weeks and already his family and friends are planning to swing by and help.

I realize they have good intentions, but I would actually rather tackle these projects myself or with a neutral person. When his parents found out we hired movers they were actually offended. But from my perspective, I would much rather ask a stranger to move my couch 3 times then my fiancés cousin. If something breaks, there is also a clear way to remedy it. My fiancé thinks we should pick a few projects for them to help on because they want to so badly. But I think that it is our house, and I don’t really think it is our responsibility to move in and paint in a way that makes other people happy. My fiancé told me his family thinks I come off as cold about this issue; but I think his family comes off pushy and meddlesome. How do I reconcile these differences with my fiancé? Do I just hand them a paintbrush and bite my tongue? Or should they recognize that doing something different is our business?

Here is Carolyn’s response:

Your fiance already handed you the perfect way to reconcile these differences, by picking a few projects that you invite everyone to help you finish.

You just don’t like that because you don’t want anyone touching your house, so I suspect any way I suggest you “reconcile” will also be shot down if it involves my not taking your side completely.

Here’s the thing. It’s your house, yes, but it’s also your fiance’s. You and he have equal say in how you make it into a home. You’re thinking paint but he’s thinking people and love — and the part about its not being your “responsibility to move in and paint in a way that makes other people happy” says you completely totally utterly and at a cosmic level miss the whole part about how much people — in general and these people in particular — mean to your fiance. And you’re giving heavy ammo to your relatives-to-be who judge you as cold.

I am as fussy about my personal space as anyone so I am not unsympathetic to wanting my walls painted the way I want them painted. But if your fiance were on board with your doing things the family-free way, he would have drawn his boundary along the same path as yours and he would have called off the family dogs. Then, if the family kept pressing from there, then I’d be echoing you on the “pushy and meddlesome.”

But as long as your fiance wants to keep living his life as a series of modified barn-raisings, then that’s as much his prerogative as your hired-help-only stance.

So, either sit down, plan out a couple of projects for which you think you can welcome a stampede of happy helpers, set an invasion date and greet them at the door with lemonade and brownies — or give this man as your choice of life partner a very, very hard rethink. He’s a community kind of guy, and it’s your responsibility to make -him- happy, just as much as it is his to please you. Make sure you’re ready for what that means.

A+!

I think the question is compelling on a larger level too. It’s how all of us approach problems that could cost money to fix. Today, for example, even though Mike is cat-sitting in my neighborhood, he decided to order Seamless rather than ask me to bring him coffee & food. As a lady co-worker, I appreciate his independence; as a friend, I was like, “Hey, I’m happy to help you, you know.” (Our solution: I came over and we ordered Seamless together.)

When do you ask your friends or family to help you move rather than hire movers? Only when you’re in early-to-mid twenties? Only when you’re seriously broke, or you seriously don’t care if something gets broken?

Conversely, when are you irritated by other people asking for you to do things for them that they could pay someone to do? Never, because you’re a saint? Always because ughhhhhghgh, moving? Or sometimes, say when the person asking for the favor is over 27 and/or has, in your opinion, enough cash?

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