It’s Time to Ask for a Raise

by Molly Lorz

• Did you know inflation is actually a real thing? It’s a shock to me too, but I’ve done some math, and though my checks will be technically higher, your earnings will be technically higher as well. It all evens out.

• So I’ve been reading about this thing called a “living wage” — it’s this far out concept, but hear me out.

• What if you just gave me a raise for a few months so I could have a pay bump on my salary history and then I promise to quit?

• I can personally guarantee an increase in productivity to match my increased pay.

• Have we ever talked about my personal tragedies? Now might be a good time to talk about my personal tragedies. I brought you some tissues.

• Before we start this conversation, I’m going to need you to look into my eyes and forget every mistake I’ve ever made and also every time I’ve ever been late. Thx.

• Remember a year ago when you offered me this job and you said, “The job pays $10?” And I said, “Okay.” Can we pretend that I said, “I really need $12 actually” and that you said “Okay.” I don’t even need backpay. If we could just change that going forward … that’d be great.

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