Baby’s First Fraud Alert

I got a call from an unknown number Saturday morning. I ignored it. An hour later they called again. Straight to voicemail. This time they left a message. It was fraud prevention from my bank. Please call them back. My stomach dropped and I logged into my account online. I needed my money now, not after a long claims process. Oh god the claims process. How long would it take? Was my money still there? My money was still there. I went back to sleep.

A few hours phone rang again. Same number. I ignored it. The third time I answered: robot. Keyed in my zipcode, my card number. Had I tried to spend $469.24 at a Montreal office supply store? I had not. (Press 2.) Robot replied: A hold has been placed on your card. Would you like to speak to a human? (Press 1.)

Thanks for calling the bank, the human says. I repeat my card number. My address. Confirm my mother’s maiden name. Human asks again: Had I tried to spend $469.24 at a Montreal office supply store? I had not. What about 48 cents charged at Muriel’s Mall? No. Can you charge 48 cents? What would one even buy for 48 cents? Human says: Fortunately, the fraud department caught the office supply charge; it was declined. But unfortunately the Muriel’s Mall charge went through. The one for 48 cents? Yes. Ok.

Here’s what they’re going to do. They’ve put a hold on my card and they are going to send me a new card. It would arrive in a week. Did I need to get money out of my account? Oh god, thank you for asking. Yes. Yes I did. No problem. He would stay on the line with me, unlock the hold on my card when I was at the ATM, and put the hold back on it when I said I was done. It was a mission. We were a team. I put on some pants, ran downstairs, and was at the ATM in 1 minute. How did this go when someone didn’t live above an ATM? Did they just stay on the line with the guy for the amount of time it took to get to one? What if they were calling from a landline?

“I’m here.”

“Okay, I’m releasing the hold.”

I swiped my card. English. No balance check. Checking. $200. Bzzz. Whiirrrr.

“I’ve got the cash.” I stuffed it in my back pocket.

“Good. The hold on your card has been reinstated. Your new card should arrive within a week. Please give me a call if you need anything else.”

CLICK.

I returned home and put the wad of cash in a drawer. Best to pretend it wasn’t there. Went back to bed. Today I got a call from another 800 number. Ignored. The message is from a representative from the claims department at the bank. He wants to talk about that 48 cents.

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