How I Ruined $60.98 in Tights So Far This Year

by Meredith Fay Lovelace

• Hanes — Black — $7.99 — I was leading a dog through some tunnels on a hiking trip, when her leash wrapped around a stalagmite, causing me to pitch forward, catching my tights on the zipper of my small purse. It took several minutes to rip the tights off of my legs, the whole time bent over like a Kokopelli, with a manic dog running around me. All of this was in front of a group consisting of small children and handsome, young soldiers on leave from the army.

• Hue — Turquoise — $9.99 — The busted corner of my bike seat wore a hole that eventually developed into a full-blown case of the runs in my tights, which I was in denial about for weeks. Eventually my boss told me if I ever wore them again, I would have to go have a talk with HR about the dress code.

• Target — Black — $5 — Started running the second I pulled them past my knees.

• Target — Yellow — $5 — These never developed a hole, but because they were the last survivors in my drawer for a month, they just got disgusting. Everyone, your feet? They are disgusting.

• Donna Karan — Black — $28 — Weather changed 30 degrees in course of a Saturday of drinks and fun, left them in the backseat of the boyfriend of a friend’s car, who then promptly had a vicious break-up 48 hours later.

• Target — Dark Orange — $5 — Tripping over a step at my favorite bar. I reported the casualty to my friend Tori, to which she replied, “Well, now you don’t have to worry about ruining them again.”

Meredith Fay Lovelace works as a cartographer in Austin, Texas. She is clumsy, but fun. Photo: Gareth1953

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