Some Democrats Gave Me Some Free Food

by Blair Thornburgh

All the free food I ate at the DNC, which I got to attend because of nepotism (my dad knows a guy, etc.):

Day 0 (Monday)
Bloomberg LINK center
• 1 Apple
• 1 Nutrigrain bar (also apple)
• 3 Potato bites with sour cream and chives

Reception, law firm
• 2 mini plates Brazilian-style steak
• 2 Maker’s Marks, neat
• A shameful, countless number of Brazilian-style cheesy bread puffs

Reception, PA Delegates
• Deviled eggs: 2 with olive slices, 2 with parsley leaves, 1 with unidentifiable red strip of something on top
• 2.5 “Angel biscuits” whatever those are with ham and brown sugar sauce that kind of got stuck to each other
• 1/3 Jim Beam, neat, because the bartender poured me a lowball glass to its literal rim like he was giving me apple juice
• 1 tomato-cheese tartlet

Day 1 (Tuesday) PA Delegates’ Breakfast
• 1 coffee
• 1/2 scoop steam-table scrambled eggs with vegetable flecks
• 2 chunks pineapple

Huffington Post Oasis
• 1 Coconut Water, my first, while making an appointment for a massage, which I had ALSO never had before even though both are supposedly SO GOOD FOR YOU. I discover that secretly this stuff tastes like a less-chemically cereal milk and it has electroxidants so one good coconut water demands another

Bloomberg LINK center
• 1 plate green salad
• 1 Apple
• 1 Greek yogurt, Trader Joe’s brand, even! WITH FIBER
• 7 carrots & 1 baby tub hummus, which involved cracking open one of those single-serving Sabra dealies and throwing away the pretzels due to earlier cheesy-bread-overload incident

Huffington Post Oasis
• 1 Coconut water, before and during my chair massage but after seeing Arianna Herself giving a tour of the place while rocking the hell out of a powder-blue pantsuit
• 1 Greek yogurt, Olympus brand, which is not as good as TJ’s and I had to eat with this weird wooden spoon that felt like it could give me an oral splinter at any moment

Day 2 (Wednesday)
PA Delegates Breakfast
• 1.5 cups coffee, I had to ask the very smiley manager to refill the carafe for and then felt guilty about because I wasn’t a delegate or anything and was basically stealing
• A couple strawberries, sliced, eaten with fingers
• 2 chunks pineapple, apparently my ABSOLUTE MAX
Huffington Post Oasis
• 1 Coconut water, for which they still don’t have straws which means I’m drinking them out of the hole in the top like I’m a beanpole dude chugging Muscle Milks
• 1 serving Orange Mango Chicken with Whole Grains and Greens, served to me by a person in a chef’s outfit but came out of a microwave bag and has the resulting signature texture of anything microwaved, namely, mush. But hot mush! That has only 410 calories! So that might be good?
• 1 Greek yogurt, still chalky, but they have real nonsplintering spoons now!
• 1 Apple, green. I had to ask twice because the first time she handed me a RED apple which we all know is gross
• 2 Yelp-shaped mints, and 1 for the security guard outside

Politico Viewing Party
• 1 “Countermeasure” cocktail: Johnnie Walker Black, vermouth, bitters, and a twist
• 1 Rye whiskey old fashioned, in honor of my rye-loving college roommate, and also in honor of wanting a second drink
• 1 tiny cup of toasted sesame pickles
• 0 Odwalla bars, even though they were there and I wanted one, because they ALL HAVE NUTS and those make me all dead

Day 3 (Thursday) Reception, King’s Kitchen
• 1 Blueberry scone, incredibly doughy and delicious and not at all dry
• 6 grapes that should have been promoted to raisins, really
• 1 cup coffee

Bloomberg LINK center
• 1/2 plate Caesar salad, complete with a tiny booger of an Actual Anchovy
• 2 chicken quesadilla triangles, heavenly
• 1 Greek Yogurt, Yoplait brand, tasted gluey and cheesy but protein?

Day 4 (Friday)
FUEL Pizza and Wings
• 1 slice Pepperoni, which OKAY I paid $2.90 even though the pizza joint was the “Hospitality Area” for the DC delegation because it was 12:46 and I was feeling dizzy, partially with post-speech optimism but mostly with low blood sugar
• 2 garlic knots, swiped with permission
• 0 Coconut waters, because that’s not a thing in the real world where Arianna Huffington’s not in charge of feeding you fo’ free

Blair Thornburgh drove eight hours for hope and change but also for free food.