Five Points of Advice to Young People on the Spending and Earning of Money, Part Three: Credit

By The Billfold May 14, 2012

by John Fram

1) Learn to respect the awesome power of Credit.
a. Understand that there is nothing in this world not driven by the spending of other people’s money, also known as Credit:
i. The wealthy do not stay wealthy by using debit cards. The wealthy stay wealthy by using their bank’s money and staying atop their interest payments (see below).
ii. The Author is consistently amazed by the number of Young Spenders who believe that the money they have deposited into their bank accounts remains in a small, locked box, and that said money is not accessed until the Young Spender arrives to retrieve it (see below).
iii. Without lines of credit, specifically those of corporate expense accounts, the industries of online gambling, fine wine, fine dining, massage parlors (see point 4, forthcoming), and four-star hotels would have collapsed decades ago (see below).
b. Due to the fact that he is reading this, Author assumes that the Young Spender is not wealthy. This being the case, the Young Spender, like all children of the capitalist paradigm, is ergo seeking to become wealthy. To do this, the Young Spender must:
i. Attend and graduate from a college that provides a minimum of education (also known as debt), while still offering a diploma with a modicum of respectability. For this reason, religious institutions, out-of-state private schools, and universities bearing the names of “Colorado,” “Texas,” “Ohio,” and “Wisconsin” should be avoided.
ii. During college and within the first several years following graduation, the Young Spender should develop and maintain a solid Credit Score.
1. The Credit Score: the Maat-scale by which all of the Young Spender’s past actions are weighed, and the tenability of all of his dreams and aspirations are decided.
2. The ways of the Credit Score are weird and arcane, but to build and maintain it, the Young Spender can:
a. Avoid all unconventional financial behaviors that provide no predictable, concrete return on the investment they require.
b. Keep to a minimum all expressions of frivolity, pleasure, and joy.
c. Instead of not spending money that they don’t have, Young Spenders can spend money that they do have, but spend it in a roundabout manner.
i. Spend this money that you have with your bank’s money (ie, your credit.)
ii. After a short period of time (preferably after a bank statement has been issued showing the expenditure), the Young Spender should transfer money from his physical (ie, debit-able) bank account his abstract (ie, credit) account to cover the expenditure.
iii. In this way, however pointless it may appear, the Young Spender is, actually, highly attractive to banks. While the Young Spender is engaged in predictable and frivolous spending patterns, the banking institutions can engage in their own frivolous and unpredictable spending patterns. Banking institutions deeply dislike having to monitor the risky behavior of Young Spender while also trying to monitor risky behaviors of their own.
d. By sending a self-addressed, stamped envelope to: Experian, 475 Anton Blvd, Costa Mesa, CA 92626; TransUnion LLC, 555 West Adams St, Chicago, IL 60661; Equifax, 1550 Peachtree NE, Atlanta, GA 30309; and, Ben Bernanke, c/o The Board of Governors of the Federal Reserve System, 20th St and Constitution Ave N.W., Washington, D.C. 20551. Enclose nothing within the mailing envelope but the self-addressed, stamped envelope. Within two weeks, a list of names of persons of interests to these corporations will be returned to the Young Spender, along with instructions and the amount the Young Spender can expect to see their Credit Score increased for successfully fulfilling said instructions. Nothing more need be said of this matter.
e. Do not use credit for basic, day-to-day needs, such as food, hair products, or personal lubricant. Valid uses for credit include:
i. Making down payments on cars, houses (see below), college tuition (see above), handguns and ammunition, bulk baby formula.
ii. Luxury items, such as aircraft flying lessons, cruise ship tickets, fine dining (see above), high thread-count bedding.
iii. Stringent household cleaners, including bleach, lye, and ammonia.
iv. Friendship.
v. Furniture, taxi fare, and extensions on the home.
3. Do not mock the Credit Score, nor ridicule or betray it. Do not ascribe to its silence any interest in you, Young Spender, or in your well-being. Do not think that the Credit Score and its purveyors are not willing to, in a moment, without need of explanation, turn your prosperity into ash, or seed your joy with salt. Do not forget that it is the Credit Score, the purveyor of wastes.
c. Assuming that the Reader of this article is wealthy, then the Author must ask what in all fuck they are doing reading this column.
i. The Wealthy are:
1. Cultural pollutants.
2. Societal leaches.
3. Perverted and given access through their wealth to all aspects of their perversion.
4. No longer recognizable as humans.
5. Lawlessly fortunate.
ii. The Wealthy harm societies in ways they are unable to even fathom.
1. Through their control of politics, the wealthy have, the world over, established layers of protections around themselves so entrenched in the zeitgeist of the civilized world that their control has become almost impossible to discern, even as is infiltrates itself into every aspect of the lives of all the rest of the populace, the Author included.
a. Via their grip on the news and entertainments industries, the wealthy have established over the past several decades the idea of all societies existing with a divide between “haves” and “have-nots”.
i. This idea is, of course, absolutely unnecessary. There is no reason that a society could not function in a manner described as “share-a-lots.”
1. Within this system, via a complex network of digitized receipts, all money would be done away with, and citizens would merely pass, from person to person, all of the goods and services they require, for both well-being and pleasure.
2. All citizens would be required to work 35 hours a week at a profession which adds to the quantity of goods in circulation.
3. For every hour worked, citizens would be credited a certain number of goods, and would receive also, from state-operated supply houses, the products they would need for survival. Should the citizen seek more goods than she has credit for, she could offer to trade (though not give or receive as a gift) a good of her own for a good they desire from another citizen.
4. By using this system, by allowing all citizens to live at an equal degree of comfort, there would be no need for theft, deception, or dissatisfaction.
5. The only two limiting factors to this system being children (who contribute nothing) and adults who do not work their 35 hours (see above), the simplest solutions for all parties involved would be state-run nursery facilities, and “disappearance programs,” the details of which need not be listed here.
ii. The Wealthy, of course, fear such measures, but it is not their fault, per se, that they fear them. Rather, such fear has been bred into them, for centuries, via a complex process of mating among one another only their most weak-minded, nervous children, and fending off the suitors of those children who show signs of bravery or independent thought, as both such things are highly undesirable in the heirs of large fortunes and influence, as such thinking often brings about Change (change being, of course, the most frightening possible outcome to any scenario a member of the upper class faces).
iii. In this way, the Wealthy are able to avoid such horrors as children with critical thinking abilities, problem solving skills, or senses of humor.
b. Via a dense array of carefully measured particulates and compounds and natural gases, the wealthy have established, to a small but significant degree, the ability to subtly manipulate the minds of the sub-classes, all through the process of water filtration.
1. The Author can attest to such accusations in a court of law. He/she possesses a number of highly damning mimeographed, hand-printed, and otherwise samizdat communiqués, boxes and drawers full, listing:
a. Names, facilities, and dates.
b. Faxes, emails, statements, transcripts, and spreadsheets of policies and practices.
c. Three half-charred pages of minutes laying out in damning detail the limits and extremes and lengths of this and a dozen other operations.
2. The Wealthy Reader knows, of course, already the length of said operations. The Wealthy Reader shall not be given access to the above.
3. Do not feign ignorance, Wealthy Reader. It does not become you.
c. Via their presentation of themselves as powerful, beautiful, and lavishly comfortable, the Wealthy have created the illusion that they are Happy, and that their lifestyle is something to be desired, rather than a series of projections shot through with expensive smoke.
i. Happiness is no longer a factor in the lifestyle of the Wealthy; they have so far decayed as to have corroded away the parts of their brains that register felicity, joy, or contentment.
ii. Like the creatures of the sea floor, the Wealthy exist only to consume, to the greatest degree, the creatures around them.
iii. Being so far removed from the necessities of basic human survival (eg, hunger), the Wealthy now register digits of acquisition (see below) as measures of satisfaction, the sort of satisfaction which the Author or the Young Spender take from a hearty meal.
2. Through the aforementioned control of the media, and thanks to their portrayal of themselves as Happy, and, finally, through political shadow-puppetry like tax cuts and market deregulation, the Wealthy have created for the non-wealthy the illusion that the latter can and should seek to become like the former, that such a change in status is both possible and, even, the natural order of the world, and as such the non-wealthy should do everything in their power to become like the Wealthy, never realizing that whatever small adjustments to their standing they make is little more than pocket change for themselves, and that their frantic clawing at the faces they feel they need to climb is merely furthering the interests of the Elite.
a. Similar to their need for hunger (see above), the Wealthy have lived so high for so long that their concept of entertainment has mutated so completely as to be unrecognizable by those below.
b. No pleasure is derived by the Wealthy by television series (see Point 2, previous), films, computer games, pictures of small dogs in hats, sexual activity (except in some cases: see below), or artistic endeavor.
c. For the Wealthy, the finest (and only) entertainment is found in the clawing and thrashing and gnashing of teeth of the non-wealthy trying in vain to elevate their status.
3. By perpetuating this myth of happiness/improvement to divert the lower classes, and via their afore-mentioned population controls (not even Fiji is safe), the Wealthy are free to indulge in what they have always done best: incest.
a. On very good authority, the Author possesses a list of names of men and women involved in romantic relationships with members of their own families.
b. Not only does this list include the names of at least three Greek shipping families, it includes four Jewish media magnates, five Armenian families doing very little of anything, three British families in control of the majority of the world’s coal, and one Korean-American dynasty with powerful ties to the auto industry involved in a particularly fraught, sodomy-charged ménage between a father, his son, and the son’s neice.
c. Copies of this list, if desired, can be found at: The Young Man’s Christian Association, 5212 Washington Avenue, Denver, CO 80002, in the front lobby, in the urn of the fake topiary behind the bust of Thomas Jefferson, under the layer of topsoil. The Author asks only that those obtaining a copy of the list take only one copy, and in the case that they are taking the last copy, or no more copies are available, to send an unmarked postcard to the same address, c/o “Jeremiah.”
iii. All of which, at last, returns the Author to his/her original question: if the reader of this article is Wealthy, what in all fuck are they doing reading it?
1. You, Wealthy Reader, already have advisors, accountants, trust managers, brokerage consultants, and a score of others to provide you with far sounder advice and of much greater quantity than the Author could ever hope to match.
2. You, Wealthy Reader, are nothing like the Young Spender, for whom the Author issues this series of advice, out of the goodness of his/her heart (if he/she can still be said to have one). The Young Spender has not been inundated in unrealized, unquantifiable fortunes like you, Wealthy Reader. The Young Spender must make his path for himself.
3. You, Wealthy Reader, are not whom this series is meant for. It is not for your amusement you apathetic prick, you entitled dickhead, you plutocratic asshole.
4. You, Wealthy Reader, have made life profoundly unpleasant not just for the Author, but for everyone he/she used to know.
5. You, Wealthy Reader, have no mind for anyone but yourself.
6. You make the Author sick.
7. Why, Wealthy Reader, do you continue to read this?
8. Why have you endured the Author’s above excoriation?
9. Why do you tolerate such abject disgust, such vitriolic dislike?
10. You don’t understand Wealthy Reader. You still don’t understand.
11. The Author despises you for all that you are, Wealthy Reader. The Author no longer wants to decide between paying his/her rent and replacing his/her disintegrating shoes.
12. The Author is tired of eating tuna out of a can.
13. The Author misses restaurants.
14. The Author misses Paris.
15. The Author wants to be you, Wealthy Reader, you flaccid, comfortable pile of dog shit.
d. Upon achieving a respectable Credit Score (see above), and after making sound investments (also above), the Young Spender should begin to shed their old lives as rapidly as possible, and work to make themselves as appealing as possible to the demographic to which they now seek to belong.
i. Surround yourself with appropriate material goods, including:
1. At least three houses or high-rise penthouses, in at least two different states. Live in one of these houses year-round, call one of them a vacation home, and never visit the third. Hire a full-time staff to maintain the third, never-visited home, and call yourself a job creator. Be proud of the good you are doing for those less fortunate than yourself, those whom you once were like.
2. Ensure that each of these residences has a large, walk-in closet, and shop frequently to ensure that each closet is filled with clothes. However, ensure that the clothes you intend to wear on a particular night are never in the closet of the residence in which you are presently staying, so that they can be shipped to you, same day, via FedEx. Be proud of yourself for paying FedEx so much money, and be proud of how many of its employees you are helping with that money. See it as an investment for their sake. Remark to your new friends (see below) on how many people FedEx employs, and how many of those people you are aiding with your investment. Tell them how important investments like yours are to this struggling economy.
3. Fill your new residences with furniture, appliances, and entertainment systems, and replace these fixtures bi-annually, even in the house the Young Spender never visits.
4. Surround yourself with friends in the same way you surround yourself with furniture (see above): rapidly, and at great expense. Like the Young Spender’s furniture, they should be used as little as possible, but maintained and replaced at regular intervals so as not to wear through.
5. Travel often but stay in no one place for too long; overexposure to foreign ways of thought can be damaging professionally (see above), politically (see below), and personally (see nowhere). When travelling within the US, stick to major cities in the Midwest, Southwest, and South (eg, St. Louis, Fort Worth, Atlanta), as these are the cities most in line with the Young Spender’s new set of values. When traveling abroad, avoid countries such as Holland, France, or anywhere in Scandinavia; visit China, Switzerland, and the Caymans often.
6. Study, via one of your knowledgeable new friends, the intricacies of tax shelters and off-shore bank accounts (see below). Study your friends for other things they might be useful for. Do not feel guilt in what less-informed people would call mercenary interests; your new friends are searching for the same things in you.
7. Out of all of the friends and acquaintances you accumulate, pick out one of the gender opposite your own, one with a minimum of personal history and a pliant temperament, and take her as your spouse. If the Young Spender seeks to take a man as his partner, he must be sure to first marry a lesbian (or, otherwise, undemanding, asexual woman — services exist to find such women) whose schedule can align with his own. Make regular, well-dressed appearances together (see below).
ii. Remember that taxes are for people less fortunate than you. Replace taxation with political influence.
1. Hire lawyers, accountants, and assistants who will help you deposit large sums of money directly below taxable thresholds in as many places as possible, and whom will help you keep organized these deposits.
2. Employ at least one “double” who can take your place at functions too beneath your standing to attend personally, and who can inhabit off-shore residences in your place long enough to establish residency requirements for tax purposes (see above).
a. Ensure, Young Spender, that your double is properly trained in how to emulate you successfully:
i. Typically, the services through which your double can be purchased have facilities to allow them additional training to meet specific customer requirements.
ii. When working with a double services coordinator to draw up a training regimen for your new double, ensure, if applicable, that they recognize not just the faces of your friends and acquaintances, but also the faces of the friends’ and acquaintances’ doubles.
iii. Always negotiate prices with double agencies. Insist that they use a plastic surgeon of your acquaintance whom can perform any necessary procedures at a lower cost than the facility’s resident surgeon. Likewise, insist that one of your assistants draw up the majority of your double’s training regimen, for identical reasons. It’s not that you don’t have the money anymore, Young Spender; it’s just that, by arguing over every expense, you’ll have more of it.
iv. Avoid being seen with your double. While having a double is, in this era, a ubiquitous practice, there still exist the conventions of an earlier time that held public recognition of the fact to be unseemly. While these conventions are fading among members of your generation, Young Spender, the members of the old guard still hold a not-insignificant influence over your world. Communicate always, when necessary, through your double’s handler.
v. Keep distant tabs on your double’s performance. Often the best occasions to appraise a double is at a party or gala known to be peopled primarily by other people’s doubles. Modern surveillance does not even require the Young Spender to sit in vans outside palatial homes to listen to the feeds of hidden microphones as in the movies any longer. Now, cameras the size of dust motes can be sown into your double’s clothing by your tailor, and every handshake, every mistimed dance step, can be watched from the television of your master bathroom, your private jet, your limousine.
b. A Note on Spouses and Doubles: It is increasingly common today for the spouses of Young Spenders to demand doubles of their own. While this may, at first, seem like an unnecessary expense, it actually holds great benefits. By having a double for both you and your spouse, all of the de facto chores of daily life (such as morning greetings, lovemaking, and dinners out) can be handled for you, leaving both you and your original spouse free to purse other, separate options.
c. Do not be alarmed if you slowly find yourself forgetting which actions were carried out by you or by your double, your spouse and your spouse’s double, what memories are, in fact, merely unconsciously fabricated upon reading reports by your double’s handler on their (your double’s) performance at this or that charitable function or congressional hearing or travel abroad. Loss of identity is simply an inevitability in the life you now lead, Young Spender, and, as an inevitability, it should not be fretted over.
3. With the help of your double, your spouse, your spouse’s double (and, preferably, at least two children and their doubles, which carry the same benefits as point b, above), begin a career in politics. Comb (or have your assistants comb) through your list of friends and acquaintances until you find ones with connections to city councilmen and state representatives. Upon becoming so connected, the rise to political office becomes obvious, self-explanatory, and merely time-consuming. It is also expensive, but now, Young Spender, you have all the money you need.
iii. Treat your marriage in the same way you treat your political career: in a steady, procedural fashion. Marriage, like politics, requires very little real effort. Hold no opinion on anything (being divested of opinions and values should have already occurred around the time of point 3.b., above), and cycle through positive and mild negative emotions on a regular basis. When you arrive in the point in which you are sleeping in separate houses, ensure that your doubles are regularly in place to conceal this fact. (Depending on how separate your lives become, another set of doubles may become necessary. Handle them in the same manner as your first, above.)
e. Finally, upon attaining unlimited credit (the sign of the truly wealthy), do not despair when you realize that money does not really exist.
i. Do not fret that it is merely an abstract, fictitious concept, similar to freedom or desire, only one that can be superficially and stringently quantified by an arbitrary latticework of bank accounts and cotton. Do not pretend you have not known, all along, Young Spender, that money and credit are merely the illusory and fragile by-products of a society attempting to order and stratify itself and one that possesses absolutely no real value (except, perhaps, for coinage, which, in large quantities can be melted down and fashioned into something practical, like an axe.)
ii. Do not pretend, Young Spender, that you did not know that money was merely a society-wide agreement to try to stymie, at least partially, the basic human tendencies toward barbarism and bullying and carnage. Do not pretend that you have not always known this.
ii. And, finally, Young Spender, do not pretend you care.

Previously: “Five Points of Advice to Young People on the Spending and Earning of Money, Part Two: Always Pay for Art”
Next Up: Final Notes on Alternative Means of Income

John Fram is a freelance writer whose public records show him living in Texas. He has a dog and a guy that lives with him. He tweets here, and you can contact him here.

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